These Question Marks are Killing Me

I don’t know where I went wrong. Have no idea what I can do to improve. All these years I’ve been writing in the same way, style and manner. Of course through the years I’ve been improving myself through not making the same mistakes and heeding the teacher’s advices etc. I’ve always got marks that were average if not better. This time however was different. I felt I did like I normally would, write in the way that would at least give me a passing grade. In the end, it was totally rubbish. The marks reflected on my paper told me that all I’ve written was nothing more than nonsense. Why? Why did this happen? I honestly have no idea or the faintest hint.

Perhaps the fact that the teacher already gave me terrible marks for my practice paper was a foreshadowing of the grades I have now. I should have then asked her what exactly went wrong. She did go through the paper, giving examples of the “good” way of writing and so on. However, I thought I understood what she gone through but now that is proved horribly wrong. I felt better when I received back an above averaged marked practice paper from my other teacher, thinking that if I wrote in that way, I would get at least the same marks or so. So why exactly did I do so badly? I have to ask, lest my final paper is marked by her. I will and must seek the reasons behind rating my paper as crap.

For now, all I knew is that I did what I usually would have done. The way which my teachers (teaching the same subject) would normally pass if not shower praises upon it. She however, is different. I suppose she look at things that aren’t visible to my eyes. She didn’t like what I’ve been doing all these years. Or perhaps, whatever I’ve been doing all these years is incorrect and this is the time for judgment.

Maybe she could at least give comments that are much more constructive and elaborate. All she did was give general remarks that teachers normally give to students with passing grades. However, I failed. I deserve comments on why I’ve actually failed. Maybe she didn’t have enough time to write, after all my paper wasn’t the only one to be graded. I hope though, that when I approach her next lesson she discusses the paper, she would be patient and kind enough to tell me what went wrong instead of just giving powerpoint slides which make no sense to me.

I hope that after I hear her reasons for failing me, I would be able to say that my paper was indeed nothing more but trash. That I would be able to look up straight again and treat this paper as a learning point, a stepping stone to higher grades.

All these question marks are stuffing up my lungs, making it hard for me to breathe. This grade is like an imaginary wound in my heart, making it hurt whenever I think about it. I feel like crying for I am lost, lost in a borderless ocean of questions.

For once I do not know what went wrong.

I hope I will in due time.

Crying under the Blanket after being crushed.

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