This would be the second year the Mega Camp is organised in my school. Mega camp was supposedly filled with only fun and exciting games and activities leaving drills and all the normal trainings aside. This year’s experience was supposed to be different from my previous year for I am a year 4 senior now, the ones behind the organisation of the camp. Yes we did organise (some of my other friends did), but all were rejected. Instead the proposal of another senior (our previous year 4s) was taken into consideration. This is kind of a foreshadowing of the experience we are about to face in the Mega Camp.
Year 4s, fantastic! It is time for us to lead and have some fun. Hey but guess what, no year 4s 2009, you can’t. Don’t you remember your seniors? now supposedly year 5s/JC 1 2009? Yeah, you ain’t no leader, not yet I guess. So we practically should and ought to toss aside all the thoughts of leading and not being scrutinized or observed so closely as if we were taking the NCO test all over again. Year 4s, you guys are the campers as well! Of course since you guys are the oldest (campers), you guys should take all the blame and faults! You guys should eat less, sleep less, and get scolded more! You guys, should just shut your mouth and follow. Woohoo!
God dammit, I ain’t going into that no more. People read, and that might get me into all sorts of trouble. Yes, maybe we aren’t that competent enough, perhaps no match when compared to the previous batch of NCOs. But no, if we aren’t good enough we have to try to train ourselves and grow to become as good or if not better. We must try our very best to carry out the activities we had planned and perhaps have some room for ourselves. We must… no mustn’t for we are bounded and tied up within that circle. We can’t step out with the outside already filled. It is hard to squeeze out of our comfort zone and the zone that perhaps marked out our talents and abilities with all those people around. It is hard, very hard. Perhaps it is best to just let us try and believe in us. Perhaps it is best to let us do mistakes and learn how to correct them ourselves. Perhaps it is better to give us more room, more room to develop.
I used to look forward, but I believe my interest has been dying off. I used to like and get all excited over being a Year 4 NCO, but no, no more. I cried, and I have no idea why. I talked to my parents of me losing my interest, me thinking that my time has been wasted. I seek help and comfort from them, and of course they did provide support and love. My father told me such cases are often seen in the working world, and if I do not deal with it today, I might flunk in the future. No, I can’t and I doubt that I have the ability to do so. I gave up, and I’ll just conform to the situation. I want to change it, but I lost my will and heart to shape it in the way that I wanted it to be.
I think I’m not alone. I think some my friends are feeling the same way as I do. But perhaps they weren’t as emotional as me, to cry over such matters. No I won’t cry no more, for there is no point. It is stupid of me to talk in such a manner, but I don’t care anymore. I’ll just live by how the events flow, and let them change me instead of me changing them. I’m glad still though, that I had found friends in these 3 years or so. I found really good friends. Maybe they are the ones that kept my fire burning, they kept me coming to each and every training. For those who felt the same as me, I hope you are going to act differently. Perhaps try to step out of that already tight and enclosed circle, and say what you really think. No, perhaps you guys still love it, love the way you still are a normal cadet. But if that is the case, so be it.
For me, I can’t and don’t like it at all. But yes, I will just live with it.